Now here's the problem...
You see, it turns out that THOSE TACTICS (the ones you've been told to do) DON'T ACTUALLY WORK...
(Well, they didn't for us, and the fact that you are still reading this means that they aren't going too well for you, either.)
All they do is make you look like a total spammer and alienate you from your loved ones!
Now, before you go into total despair and decide to go have a little lie down, we want to tell you something exciting...
You see, after doing all those tactics over and over again, we put on our thinking hats and decided to try something new...